Knickers! Knickers, Everywhere!
by horn-head
Summary: Never bother a sleeping werewolf.  Short little one shot written for Rosi's birthday.


**Author's note: This is just a short blurb I wrote for Rosi's birthday. Thought I'd share it with all of you as well, since I can't seem to get the next chapter or London up. (Sorry about that, guys! I trully want to get it up. First I have to type it and it's really, really long) Anyway, happy birthday, Rosi.**

* * *

All was quiet in the Gryffindor tower as Sirius tip-toed over to James's bed. It was nearly five a.m. and it was high time that the bugger got up and started the celebration.

"Prongs!!" Sirius shouted, "Prongsy-Poo!!"

James groaned and shoved his head under his pillow. "Wha?"

Pouncing on the bed, Sirius punched him. "It's my birthday, you big git. Now, get up and get dressed! We have some major planning to do and a kite to fly."

Rolling over, Remus yawned. "I realize that your birthday is a happy time for you, Padfoot, but do you have to make it so miserable for the rest of us? The sun isn't even out yet."

Sirius glanced over at the sleepy werewolf, undaunted. "You, too. Get up and get started or I swear on Merlin's grave I will kill myself and everyone in this school except you and then I will spend eternity haunting you and making sure that you never get to read in peace and quiet again!" Shaking James, he continued. "Same goes for you, you big bollock sucker. Only I'll make sure Lily Evans knows about the secret stash of her knickers that you stole and stuffed in your pillow."

Sitting up, James kicked Sirius off his bed. "You said you'd never tell a soul!!"

Sirius grinned up at him from the floor and threw a shoe at Remus, who was trying to go back to sleep. "I haven't… yet. Actually, what I said was that I'd rather die than tell her, as she would hurt me for even knowing about that black lacy pair with the string that would go right up her…"

"SIRIUS," James exploded. "SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP!"

Standing, Sirius shrugged. "Get up and I'll shut up. Anyway, as I was saying, since I'd be dead, there isn't much she'd be able to do to hurt me and it's a serious crime to attack one of the school ghosts. I'd be safe. You, on the other hand… well, you don't really _need_ to have children, do you?"

James threw off his blankets and got grumpily to his feet. "You know very well that I planned on returning those. It's just that she put a hex on her door that will get anyone who goes in uninvited when she found out they were missing." Shoving his head through the first shirt he found, he glared balefully at his friend. "Since I'll never get invited into her room, I can't put them back."

Sirius stifled a giggle. "I guess she gave you an early birthday present without realizing it. What a lovely little lady. Wish there was someone to give me knickers for my birthday."

A pair soared across the room and landed in his face. "There," Remus said. "Can I go back to sleep now?"

Sirius looked at Remus, shock written across his face. "Remus! Don't you know they're supposed to be used? Otherwise, I'm just getting a pair that doesn't fit. Bollocks, these aren't even sexy black lace. How the hell am I supposed to get turned on by imagining a bird in these?"

Remus groaned. "Sirius, just let me sleep and I promise you that I will get you more pairs than you could wear in a lifetime. Black lace included."

Thinking on this for a moment, Sirius paused. Making up his mind, he nodded. "Right, then. James, you're with me. Remus, you start working on those underwear. Peter, I couldn't wake you up with a hippogriff landing on you, so sleep on. We have some celebrating to do!" With that, he dragged James out of the room.

Remus smiled and flopped back onto his pillow.

XXXXXXX

Arriving at breakfast, Remus was surprised not to see either celebrant already stuffing their faces full of food. Walking over to the table he tapped Lily on the shoulder. "Did you see where they went?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "No, but I did see the big vat of pudding they put in the Slytherin common room."

Remus's eyebrows shot up and he stifled a smile. "A vat of pudding?"

Lily nodded. "Tapioca. A poor little first year fell in this morning and it took Dumbledore an hour to get him out. Apparently tapioca is magic-resistant."

Remus frowned. "Sirius shouldn't do tapioca. He should do chocolate. He considers it the best of all puddings and would want to entice as many Slytherins into it as possible." He paused for a moment before brightening. "Hey, can I ask you for a favor?"

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Depends on the favor. What did you have in mind?"

XXXXXXX

Remus didn't see either Marauder until dinner time, which was fine for him. The plan wouldn't come into full effect until dinner, at which time Sirius would get his knickers as promised. Looking back over the day, Remus realized that while it had been completely peaceful the whole day and he had been able to do a good deal of studying, it was also quite boring without the two of them around.

Ah well, dinner would change everything. Finally, using only his brain and a few charms, Remus would be able to give him the birthday present of all birthday presents. All of the girls in Gryffindor were involved, of course, but it was his idea.

He sauntered casually into the dining room and glanced at Lily to make sure everything was in place. Receiving an affirmative nod, he smiled and noticed that James and Sirius were already sitting down to dinner. Excellent.

Sitting down next to them, Remus gave Sirius a weak smile. "So," Sirius said. "It looks as if you are having a bit of trouble getting my knickers…"

Faking a sigh, Remus replied, "Well, it's not as if used underwear can be bought at a shop or anything, Sirius. It will take a bit of time, but I will get them."

Sirius pointed enthusiastically at him with a fork, causing a bit of potatoes to land in Remus's lap. "You'd better."

Everything went fine until they returned to the common room, when Sirius flopped down into a chair. "I can't take it anymore, mate! Give me my knickers now, or I swear on Merlin's grave I will get a tremendous sugar-high and jump on your bed as you try to sleep," he exploded.

Remus frowned. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

"YES! I want my knickers! Clean, soiled, or stained, I don't care! JUST GIVE ME MY KNICKERS!!"

Grinning widely, Remus clapped his hands once. "Alright, Sirius. Let it never be said that I refused you your greatest birthday wish." Turning around, he yelled, "Lily! Now!"

A heaping pile of the most putrid smelling knickers imaginable fell on Sirius. Shocked, he didn't move for a moment. Then he made a face and whimpered. "I think one is moving. What in the bloody hell is this all about, Remus?!"

"Well," Remus replied. "You said you wanted used knickers. So I got each girl to give up one pair and let them decide how they were to be used beforehand."

Holding one up, Sirius gagged. "Who's is this and what was it used for?"

Alice giggled shrilly. "Those are mine. I used them to soak up a bit of bubotuber puss I spilled."

Sirius threw them in the fire. "It certainly smells that way. Whose are these?"

Lily smiled. "Those are mine, Sirius. Do you like them?"

Sirius shrugged. "Not bad. Dare I ask why they are slimy?"

Lily took a step back. "They were used to wipe off the underside of the Giant Squid."

Sirius dropped them on James, who seemed very torn on whether or not to keep them. "That's disgusting, Lils!! Do you know what's under there?"

Nodding, she laughed. "Sure do. Now, Sirius, we have one more gift for you on your birthday."

Standing and shaking off all of the knickers onto the floor, Sirius brightened. "Yeah? Give it to me!!"

Remus smiled. "Well, Sirius, it's two pieces of advice. The first one is: always be careful of what you wish for. The second: don't provoke a sleeping werewolf. Either way, you might end up covered in squid sperm if you're lucky, or be torn to pieces if you're not."

* * *

**R&R and I'll type faster!**


End file.
